


Weight

by natashalieromanov



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Child Abuse, Depression, Gen, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Has Daddy Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 18:18:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14899571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natashalieromanov/pseuds/natashalieromanov
Summary: Tony Stark knows four things:1. His father hates him.2. He is worthless.3. He will never measure up to Captain America.4. The weight of depression is suffocating.





	Weight

There are three things ten-year-old Tony Stark knows for certain. 

1\. His father hates him.

2\. He is worthless.

3\. He will never measure up to Captain America.

There are many things Tony  _knows,_ he is a genius after all, but like any good scientist  _(ha, him, a good scientist)_ he knows that science is ever-changing and evolving. But his little list? Those things are concrete. 

It aches in a way that he can’t describe.

**

_Worthless._

_Useless._

_God, I wish your mother had just aborted you when she had the chance._

_Stark men are made of iron, Anthony._

_Stop crying, you fucking sissy._

Tony thinks that, sometimes, Howard’s words hurt more than his fists.

**

Tony is thirteen, and he is weighing the pros and cons of killing himself. 

He has this thirst inside of him, this yearning to change the world. He has the brain, the intellect, to do it. But he  _can’t_.

Nobody likes him. Jarvis and Mom say they love Tony, but an ugly, dirty part of Tony’s mind says  _they’re lying to you, they hate you, no one could ever love you_. 

He’s never made friends at school. They all hate him because he’s loud and annoying and he brags about his intelligence but  _doesn’t anyone see that he’s just trying to be noticed_ , and he can’t understand why they all beat him and taunt him when he just wants a friend and he’s so  _lonely_.

Howard would dance on his fucking grave, finally glad to be rid of the burden Tony is. 

And Tony would be free of Howard’s cruel words and vicious fists. 

At the end of the night, Tony decides against it.

He won’t give anyone the satisfaction.

**

He’s fifteen, and he finally has a best friend, but getting through each day is  _exhausting_.

He feels like he’s dragging 1,000 pound weights around all the time. He has no energy, he’s anxious, and he’s so, so  _sad_. The sadness is a suffocating black pit, and there is no light at the end of any tunnel. 

He wants to die.

**

“Tones, are you okay?”

Rhodey’s voice is muffled, as though he is speaking under water. Tony wants to roll over, ask him to repeat himself, but he can’t.

He hasn’t gotten out of bed for two days. 

He  _can’t_. 

Rhodey, the saint that he is, says nothing. And when Tony feels the bed dip and Rhodey’s arms wrap around him, he leans into the touch.

Rhodey’s worry is almost tangible. 

Tony wants to care, but he can’t.

**

If Tony isn’t drinking, he’s cutting his thighs with a razor blade. 

He’s worthless, a bad person, a bad friend, and he deserves to hurt. 

**

He can’t do it anymore. He just can’t. 

Rhodey and Jarvis and Mom will be angry, and the other kids at MIT will laugh, and Howard will fucking rejoice, and he knows he’s just giving everyone who hates him the satisfaction of hurting him, but he’s so  _exhausted_.

This is what he deserves for being such a bad person, such a failure. He’ll never amount to anything, and he’d just be putting everyone out of their misery by getting rid of himself.

He washes his sleeping pills down with the vodka he and Rhodey were supposed to share tonight and hopes for the best.

**

He wakes up. It’s the first time he ever sees Rhodey cry, and he hates himself. 

_Useless. Worthless. Couldn’t even kill myself right_. 

He tires to smile, tries to tell Rhodey that he’s okay, and Rhodey bites out, “ _Bull-fucking-shit,”_ and Tony lets the smile drop. 

“You need help, Tones,” Rhodey whispers. His eyes are red and puffy, and he’s still crying, and god, Tony hates himself. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’ll be right here the whole time.”

He grips Tony’s hand, and Tony wants to tell him to go, to run, he’s a time bomb and Rhodey deserves so much more than he can give him.

But Howard’s always been right about him. Tony is selfish and greedy.

He’s selfish, he’s greedy, and he wants to soak in all the love Rhodey gives him.

Rhodey will leave. Everyone does. Tony knows this, and he deserves it. He’s too much, too loud, too annoying, too obnoxious, too smart, too broken, too worthless to have someone as good as Rhodey stay. 

He still wants to die, but he’ll allow himself this one thing.

Even if it’s just for a little while. 


End file.
